Today i realized something about myself while i was sipping down a chocolate martini. (garnished with a cherry). I realized that i need to let my former lover go. We ended our relationship sometime near the end of january. And ever since i realized he didnt reciprocate my feelings, i have been trying to get over him. It has now been 4 moths since our relationship ended. and yes. i still love him. i love the times we shared. i loved the way he made me feel. There where times when i felt overwhelmed with work and school and familty life and when i saw him everything went away. Id lose myself in bed with him for hours not doing anything. Just chatting.
i loved him far more than he even noticed. There where times when id wake up with his elbow in my face (because he was such a wild sleeper). Id gently move his arms down and hold him in my arms as he slept. He had this habit of pressing his body closer to mine when that happend. Hed grab my hand and hold it against his chest and fall deeper into sleep. whenever i had trouble sleeping id just hold him. and breath in the scent of his hair (he loved coconut shampoo) and slowly decend into slumber.
I loved him for all his goofy innocence. his blunt and sarcastic nature. his cute and sexy smile. the way he talked to me when he was annoyed with me. I loved him for his unique ability to make me forget that i had responsibilites. When i was with him i didnt care about anything else. All i wanted was more. more kisses, more hugs, more sex, more quality time, i wanted more of our time together. Just him and me.
I loved how i felt around him. Logan had a habit of making me feel like i was the smartest person in the world. It was like id look into his eyes and see someone i never saw. in his eyes i saw this gorgous smart sweet guy who was burdened by his desire to make sure everyone was ok. I saw Dr. Green Ph.D. I saw the me that i wanted to be.
call me a hopeless romantic or a damn fool and im sure both of them are true.
I was unhappy in our relationship because i wanted too much too fast. We where together for a year but we where only ourselves for 3 mo. The first three mo. before he moved in and expectations ruined what we where creating.
These last 4 moths i’ve spent the time disecting myself, and our relationship. I spent the time finding out what things make me the happiest. And i spent that time finding out what i need. and what i discovered is that i need to find out who i am and learn how to love me.
i know…it sounds so cliche but its true. I shouldnt need a lover to affirm who i am . I should be able to look in the mirrior and see all the wonderful things about myself instead of all the bad. I Made a ton of mistakes in my life but there is one thing im glad of.
that im not too closed mind to learn from them. Logan taught me a lot about myself. And alot about love. but sometimes things are better off dead. logan was my handicap. He was a bandaid to cover up my scratches. But reaity is i need to heal myself depite the scars. Im better off without him.
This has taken me a long while to accept. but its true. i have a lot of growing up to do and he wasnt my mr. right. I wasnt his. Im sure we both will find our ideal mates eventually. So all i must say is….
i love you logan. Always will, and i let you go.
thats my next bold move.
written by Scribblez84 May 2007
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