Epic Love

Epic love.

As a son of Neptune, and a Piscean devotee of Eros it’s impossible for me not to believe in love; in the idea and reality of instant and enduring devotion to another spirit embodied in the flesh.   Eyes being the windows to the soul do not lie…. and when you see it, you know exactly what it is.

I’ve loved often, freely, and with abandon.  My heart swells when I’m presented with a beautiful soul that touches me; completely.  But, reciprocal love? The state of feeling and being in love happens not often enough.   My Gemini was my first.  I reflect on moments that confirm that this was true.  That man loved me as I was; from my touch, to my scent, to my thoughts, he was mine.  Fear and doubt set up a barrier between us that we unfortunately could not circumvent.  We were too young and naive to understand what was at stake, and trouble-shoot the issues to resolve what was happening.

Since he left my life, and I accepted that this is the way things need to be, I’ve only met one man that pulled me as strongly.  My scorpio.  But fate, and circumstances mitigated that relationship as well.  It seems there was always something deterring him or me from allowing ourselves to just trust in the connection that was formed the moment our eyes locked.  Something that kept shifting the seas that held us. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.  It saddens me to think that I must give up on what I know we could be.

But I must.  My concern now is what do I do next?  My heart holds these two men.  I do not believe ill ever forget the way I was touched by them…and I fear that it will be some time before I meet another man that could affect me the way they have.  Is it possible that the one is still out there?  Is it possible that neither of these two beautiful wonderful, intelligent men that loved me, are the man for me?  I can only hope for that possibility.

I’m hurt.  And I’m grieving now.  I’m grieving for the future I could have had with my scorpio.  And for the future I gave up with Gemini.  I grieve for the joy we could have experienced if only we knew how to get there.

It may not be very productive to allow myself to feel this now…but I must.  In order to move on, I must be honest with myself and allow myself to grieve this, instead of pretending that I’m totally ok with the way things are.

My Scorpio decided that he and I should not be.  Despite his attraction, despite his affection, despite this connection we have forged in the most unlikely of circumstance, he chose to let me go…to let me be “free” to find another lover.  He decided that he isn’t a good fit for me…and I don’t get a vote.

It infuriates me sometimes that he would be so presumptuous as to know I would be happier with someone else.  But, then again, I know it all comes down to perception.  Reality isn’t what is, its what we perceive it to be.  In his eyes, I would be better off with someone else.  I would contest that…but I know that until he perceives that I would be better off with him, I would never get a chance to prove to him what we could be.  So, in other words he is right.  Since he doesn’t believe we should be together…then we shouldn’t.  I know I need a man to believe in us…to believe in me.  And he doesn’t.

He was right.  Once upon a time the man of my dreams said to me, “I’m not the man for you, and you’re not the man for me…and it sucks because I like you, but it is what it is.” What can you say to that?

All I could say was…

”ok.”

Written by Scribblez84 on November 13, 2011

Another confession…

A friend asked me how can I know it’s love rather than just an obsession…at the time I responded “I dunno.” we were never officially boyfriends, my scorpio and I.  It’s been nearly two years since we met & the majority of our relationship has been entitled friends… The connection that was established the first time our eyes met has sustained, though challenged through trials of miscommunication, confusion, silence, depression, periods of no contact, 2 moves, an attempt to move on with another love and even 2 flat out rejections…but after all this time one thing has remained the same.

When I’m with him I feel like I am a better man. He makes me feel more me, like I am already the man that I have spent so much time trying to become.  I feel more disciplined less self conscious and more self-aware.  I feel confident and worthy of his time and attention.  When he looks at me, even if our eyes don’t meet I feel like the most important and interesting creature in the world.  His words encourage me, ground me, & motivate me. He never even asks anything of me, just to spend time one-on-one… He doesn’t use me, or even expect much other than just sharing time with him…how can I let go of a guy like that?

Is it love? Most definitely so… But what do I do, if he has made it clear that he wants to move away? Am I to hold my tongue and allow him to continue on his journey and remain his devoted friend? Or verbalize the words that linger in my heart and head each and every time I see him smile…” I adore u…I love u…stay.”

Written 10/2/11

Losing me… Slowly

I wonder why things must be so complicated. Why can’t people just open thief mouths and tell others what they feel? Why do the stand so silently still in the dark when the world before them is promising them the light?

I am dating this Aquarius who seems to always be in his head. I mean for real. I thought I had a habit of self defeating myself with delusions… This guy, as sweet as he is is totally self sabotaging our potential.

We both have sharp minds and can intuit things from others especially when in conversation. But I subscribe to the idea that despite what I’m feel what is said carries more weight because it’s intentional. What people verbalize is purposeful and we cannot (I’ve learned) build a relationship on what lies unsaid.

That being said. This guy picked up on something when we were discussing exes. I told him about my Scorpio. Who I still love very much to this day. I told him the truth about how I felt and still feel but I also told him that my scorpio and I are friends and have committed to being just that.

After that conversation he withdrew a bit. Which he says he has a habit of doing…. Of detaching. The irony Is he also says communication is the most important thing to him, yet when he “detaches” he becomes non-communicative.

Sigh….boys!

So I can tell intuitively when we are chatting on the phone that he is holding back, withdrawn and something is bothering him. When I ask him what it is he says refuses to tell me. I remain patient and try to be as understanding as usual but ya see I’m getting frustrated. I tire of these games men play when they are emotional. They want something then they don’t, they are Hott then cold. They like u then they withdraw then come again. I don’t have time to play games with men and I don’t appreciate them being played with me.

Withdraw from a potential lover means your not that interested in him. Or too afraid to stay engaged. It’s simple and foolish but it is what it is.

I am a man who wants to be claimed by that passionate unwavering and consuming love that i’ve felt twice before. I have faith that I can find it again but It appears that I will not find that with this Aquarius. I can never feel trust with a guy that closes himself off like that with no warning (well besides my Scorpio of course) especially if we haven’t built a firm foundation yet.

This guy is losing me… Maybe it’s for the best. I honestly feel that I would probably not fall in love with him anyway… Despite how sweet he is to me… It seems as if I can only have room I’m my heart for one love @ a time. And that love is currently the Scorpio…sad to say.

Well maybe things will change when he moves away…

Written 9/30/2011